Dog Is a Man’s Best Friend? You Have Cat to be Kitten Me Right Meow

Everything we experience in life falls into sort of a spectrum. And whether you like it or not, you rank EVERYTHING in your life. Think about it. We often find ourselves rating different things or events using the “1-10 scale”. Taking surveys, you see “strongly disagree, disagree, neutral, etc.”. Gas tanks have a meter, not just “full or empty”. With literally everything you encounter, you’re comparing it to something.

In a similar fashion, all of the people we meet fall on a spectrum. As terrible as it sounds, you rank people, and you know it. Of course, you’ll say, “hell nah. I don’t judge people. I get to know them first.” But you know that’s a bunch of BS. You judge people. Everyone does.

Now I’m not going to go on a spiel telling you that you shouldn’t judge people, because it’s not exactly the worst thing you could possibly do. Judging people lets us forget about that people who would end up bringing more stress into our lives. Of course, judging causes us to pass up a few diamonds in the rough. But you forgive and forget.

 Think of everybody you know, and let’s look at both ends of the spectrum.

Picture that one person you know who is just absolutely annoying. They chew with their mouth open, they always talk too loudly, and they’re always up in your personal space. It’s like they’re personal, but too personal, and it kind of makes you want to stop and say, “Okay hold on. What the hell is your problem? Why are you always up in my shit?” You’re literally seconds away from losing your shit every time you see their face.

STFU

Fortunately, there are two sides to every spectrum. Opposite of this annoying loser is the beautiful friend who has incredible manners, a fantastic personality, and minds their own personal space. When you find this person, you breathe a sigh of relief, and even might call home and say, “Mom, I found her. She’s the one. I’m bringing her home.”

EVERYTHING I WANT

Now think back to this first friend: the loud one who sucks and is overall just a shitty person. If you want a perfect illustration of this friend, well, that’s a perfect description of a DOG. Like this one.

GIF-When-your-dog-is-a-pig

And that perfect friend that you’re bringing home to love and enjoy the beautiful scents of candles and the finer things in life like cuddling and canned tuna, well, that’s a CAT. Truly incredible animals.

CUTE

I get that a lot of you will be saying, “HELL NAH. DOG’S ARE A MAN’S BEST FRIEND.” And you are probably ready to slit my throat. But while you are flinging around errant apostrophes and bathing your muddy and nasty dog, you will continue reading, because you know what is truly good for you, unlike your stupid dog. Mark Twain even said, “If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”

And if you want to disagree with Mark Twain, well, I’ll let his legacy do the talking.

I can listen to people talk all day about why dogs are better than cats, but I will refute every one of them. It is my life’s duty to prove this to you. Keep an open mind and you will see why you made a terrible decision in choosing a dog over a beautifully intelligent cat. But if you decide to keep your mind closed and refuse to be understanding, I get it. I mean after all, it takes a truly terrible person to believe that a dog is better than a feline.

To believe a dog is a man’s best friend is absurd, but how do we define “best friend”? Henry Ford, creator of the Ford Model T and the founder of Ford Motor Company said, “My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.” That’s a pretty good definition, right? We often think our best friend is just there to make us happy, but if we can find someone to make us happy and bring out the best in us, well, that’s a no brainer, right?

But what exactly does “bring out the best in me” mean? Like, what is “the best in me”? It’s okay. You don’t need to have an existential crisis to figure this one out. Famous psychologist Abraham Maslow already had this crisis for us, specifically for this occasion. And with his crisis came his Hierarchy of Needs. Saul McLeod of simplepsychology.com gives a pretty solid description of the Hierarchy of Needs:

“Maslow wanted to understand what motivates people. He believed that people possess a set of motivation systems unrelated to rewards or unconscious desires. Maslow (1943) stated that people are motivated to achieve certain needs. When one need is fulfilled a person seeks to fulfill the next one, and so on.”

So it works like a pyramid, like this one below.

Maslow-hierarchy

This step at the top, “self actualization” is what Ford talks about when he says “brings out the best in me.” A best friend is someone who helps you achieve your full potential.

Now how far up this pyramid will a dog get us? Will they make us feel safe? Sure. And they might even make us feel loved and help boost our self esteem. But before you get too far ahead of yourself, let me warn you:

This is extremely dangerous.

A dog will not help you achieve your full potential. The better question is:

WHY ARE YOU LETTING AN ANIMAL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND?!”

And I get it. We just need to be loved, and feel protected. But not by a dog.

And this is why cats are better. They teach us to live up to our full potential. I know you might be saying, “What? This is shit! My cat is an asshole!” And they totally are.

hater

But it is in this indirect fashion that they teach us to be real and to become the best human being that we can be. So let’s discuss it.

When you try to cuddle your cat, they turn their cheek as if to say, “Bro. You’re a human. You need to get out there and find another human to love you. Or something. Just not an animal like me. You are a rational human being and you can do it. I believe in you.”

You think your dog is good for guarding your house? I mean it probably is. I get it. I wish I had a huge, gross dog to bark at the window every time a butterfly flew by, but what happens when a dude with a gun breaks in and your dog is acting like this?

turtle

Meanwhile, your smart, beautiful cat has ran away and is now hiding under the bed asking you, “are you kidding? This is what you get for relying on a dog to protect your house. Again, you are a rational human being. Why in the hell did you think an animal would be a better guard than an actual defense system? You deserved this.”

smh vat

Thinking your dog will keep you 100% safe is a fallacy and it’s dangerous to believe. On the other hand, a cat will certainly not protect you. Nobody has “guard cats”. People who own cats learn to be self reliant and resourceful, and as Ralph Waldo Emerson says, “Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” Having a cat will teach you not only to be more self-reliant physically, but to be safer and more prepared in other aspects of life.

Dogs also suck cause they are simply a burden. You have to clean up after them every time they use the bathroom, you have to give them baths, and you have to take them on walks. And you might say “every dog is different. They don’t need that much exercise.” But the ASPCA says otherwise, saying if you don’t exercise your dog, they can develop “destructive chewing, garbage raiding, hyperactivity, unruliness, and play biting.” Cats teach us hygiene, not how to be a burden.

I’m still stuck on the idea that some people think dogs are man’s best friend. I have never heard something so absurd. Just kidding I totally have. But honestly, dogs kinda suck.

 Now I won’t go as far as Disney did and say that everybody wants to be a cat.

everybody

But they truly are the smarter animal.

IMG_20150318_171411

 They help us achieve our full potential, be it in an indirect manner. And for that, it is not dogs, but CATS, that are truly man’s best friend.

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