The Adventures of Tinder

by Ahmed Moussa

But Tinder is a hookup app right?

Not right.

I know the general impressions is that Tinder was made to connect those interested to fu-fornicate(nice save?) It kinda sorta shows how much people care about looks over everything else with the whole “swiping thingy”. A user is supposed to look at a person’s picture and ask themselves  “would potentially have sex with?” and swipe left or right based on the answer to that question. A tinder “match” is when both parties swipe right to each other’s profiles. So I do get where people are coming from when they say it’s a hookup app.

But the reality is that most “about me” sections, I have read on Tinder, were something along the lines of “I’m just here to make new friends, let’s go on an adventure of sorts.” It seems to me like the Tinder population is a bunch of lonely people looking to make new friends; and it’s actually a brilliant idea to make friends! Why not a means to connect the socially awkward to the rest of the world in a way they can (sort of) safely express their interest?

Personally, I’ve had a lot of successes (and failures) for both the hookup wars and the friendship seeking uses of tinder.

Part I: Tinder for Hookups

Picture this, I’m speeding up the price freeway (adjacent to the 101) at 2 am in the morning, seizing the moment trying to remember everything about it because my life is about to change. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.

I stop by a Shell and shyly ask the middle-eastern guy for condoms, he shakes his head and I can hear him thinking “oh it’s one of THOSE kids.”

Now I don’t know what I am ashamed of but I am ashamed as duck (you know how ducks are generally super ashamed) he points me to the condom area (bear in mind that, then, I don’t know what a condom even looks like) I look through my options and find one with colorful pictures of nice little fruit pieces. I think hmm bananas.. I like bananas!

This is the reason I came all the way from Egypt to the US! Who am I kidding I am not here to get quality education from ASU or whatever I told my parents to have them fund this costly useless endeavor of mine, I am here to get laid! I needed to focus on what’s important. I am to get on tinder right away let’s go let’s go let’s go!

(I’m not actually here just to get laid that was a trip to the mind of one sexually frustrated Egyptian individual)

I have spent such a long time searching for this and when I finally found it.

Well let’s just say I never got what I went there to achieve.

Oh yeah and the condom part, the Tinder match that invited me over for an evening of “Netflix” was like what the duck is this? (this is not going in my vagina!) I was like umm condoms? she was like you got the flavoured ones!? they make this whole area smell like weird variants of fruit!! I was like oh shit my bad (bbut they.. 😦 they have bananas on them!!) She borrows one from her roommate it’s all cool we were safe.

However, I ended up leaving her house thinking what the duck did I just do? WHY!? I just lost my virginity, my first kiss, my first everything. To someone I had a 15 minute texting chat with, who I had no feelings for and I don’t care for in the slightest! Not that I am encouraging the stigma behind all the your first time should be special and shit. But at least I wanted someone who I would consider a friend there to comfort me.. That was how shitty my experience was with using Tinder as a hookup app and it was then that I decided no more hookups for me.

So the moral behind this lovely personal story is this: One night stands, Hookups, or whatever you wanna call them, on or off Tinder, are BAD! Wrong! Avoid them! They’re honestly not that fun at all. If you happen to find an ACTUAL friend who wants.. benefits.. and like you want them too then that’s a different story.

Part II: Tinder for Friends

Through Tinder, I met a number of beautiful people who I would consider friends. Some of which were extremely supportive and we had mutually deep and meaningful conversations about life, others were just like normal friends who you would go out with for food and watch a movie with, and others were the friends with benefits type.

Guess who I actually enjoyed having sex with?

The FRIEND I met on tinder. We became friends, started talking, bonded, talked about what we had in common, enjoyed being around each other, realized we both wanted to have sex with each other, and THEN we engaged in coitus! A beautiful bonding experience with someone you care about, who cares about you, and you feel comfortable around each other.

Through my Tinder adventures with friendships I met fascinating people and learned a lot through other cultures and people with different origins. I also experienced some of my newly found friends’ travels through their stories and I discovered all these new things like genres of music I never knew about but really liked or movies, books, series. You know. Friend stuff.

To those friends, I salute! And say: I owe not hating my discovery of this widely misused app to you.

Part III: Tinder Dos and Don’ts

Look, if you had.. one shot. one opportunity. this is everything you ever wanted. one moment. would you capture it? or just let it slip?

That’s how I seemed to address a tinder match the first couple months after I downloaded the app..

That’s NOT how I should’ve addressed a match.

It places too much expectations on a bored stranger on the other end of your phone liking whatever you have to say. More often than not, they WON’T like what you have to say. Especially if it’s along the lines of “hey” “sup” “how was your day.”

A rejection on Tinder should be so easily brushed off as an “oh well” within a mere few minutes. if that is NOT the case. STOP! right away. Read this beautiful article on how to deal with being rejected on dating sites. and whatever you do, don’t start harassing the person rejecting you. It’s not their fault either so just chill out, go talk to a friend about how it’s not anything wrong with you in person, that it’s not about you not being good enough or anything. Think about it, wouldn’t you want your future.. friend or whatever you’re looking for to like you for yourself no matter how awkward or weird that might be?

People fall in love in mysterious ways.. maybe it’s all part of a plan?

Sulking and being a bitch to yourself and your actual friends are NOT the answer! Just go easy on the looking and work more on the living. Don’t let sexual frustration cloud your judgement and turn you into a douche.

Douches are baad!

Think about how a couple pictures and a short bio would tell someone anything about you as a person? And them not responding is not like a “duck you!” “you’re not good enough for me get off my face!” It’s more of a could be a broad spectrum of reasons type of thing.

Anyways.

I began to notice trends like being an asshole, which is apparently a very attractive quality in a message opener, to girls seem to make them feel like they need to prove their worthiness and capabilities to score with an egocentric asshole who thinks he’s better than them. They don’t know that he’s actually being an asshole because it works! He’s actually as desperate as the majority of the app users. It was not that surprising that my most successful opener on tinder was “I am to hot for tinder (you) and I don’t like boring girls so let’s see what you’ve got” basically “I don’t think you’re good enough but hey I will give you a shot because I’m kind and I’m bored!

When I realized how unethical that was, I asked myself “what if I start this conversation with an already messed up person with mental health issues and I further worsen their state?”

Not cool!

After that I basically turned into a Tinder unicorn. Always being positive and nice; complimenting everything different about them to make them feel special and always asking how their day’s been or how nice the weather is.

Let’s say that wasn’t exactly an attractive trait.

I seemed to start being a lot of girls’ gay best friend and though I am very pleased with offering some people a supportive environment, that still didn’t solve my issue and why I went to Tinder in the first place.

Part IV: Duck the Patriarchy

It was then that I started having problems with the increasingly large number of rejections I am getting on the app since my migration to a nice, less degrading tone. Instead of just growing up and realizing it wasn’t worth it, I started blaming the female population for being so emotionally immature and seeking gratification through proving they can score a douche who only gets with cute skinny white chicks. I was thinking that I hated having to make a choice between being a shitty person or a failure on Tinder and it was becoming more and more frustrating.

(I, in my weakest moments, made some claims and expressed thoughts that I wasn’t particularly proud of:)

How could they complain about the rape culture and the patriarchy and then repeatedly hook up with the guy that took advantage of them when they were near passed out drunk in that frat party, who kept ignoring them so they’d feel like they’re not good enough for him. Are they all ducking retarded!? wtd society!? WTD WORLD?

How about the double standards in this wonderful country, The US of A, land of the free and home of the whopper, and the feminists who are all about the sexism and shit? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about equality, but that’s the problem have you considered crediting those who respect your cause (you know the ones that actually treat women like humans) or are y’all (me saying y’all cuz y’all don’t like when I use the, in my opinion, gender-neutral term “you guys”) just gonna keep trying to “change” the boys who are “ALL assholes” they ALL “only want love if it’s torture.” Well maybe if you stop only giving those who treat you like shit a chance, you’re gonna a find an actual gentleman for a change. Y’all should stop letting the media decide what turns you on and have wonderful times with the people who treat you well.

That was the rant I kept frantically shouting at anybody who would listen. Though, I might still feel the same way about some of it, the truth is I was being stupid and immature. I wasn’t actually being a nice person I was being a coward. I would sit in the corner of class not talking to anyone and only making guy friends in order not to, god forbid, approach a girl and put her in an uncomfortable position.

And I haven’t exactly been looking in the right places either. My input was girls I met on tinder within the age range of 18-20 (I can’t be with someone significantly older than me I feel weird.) I discovered three things, 1: that that’s not all the girls in the world, 2: I realized I have no interest in the emotionally immature of girls with not yet resolved self-esteem issues, and 3: I’m looking for something real and Tinder is definitely not where I should be looking.

Part V: What I’ve learned

  1. Just chill the duck out, ok?
  2. Tinder is for one reason and one reason only! And that’s having fun with people you normally wouldn’t meet during your daily life.
  3. Only use Tinder if you’re capable of brushing off rejections from random strangers.
  4. Meet nice people at your classes, clubs, or anything that gives you an excuse to talk to people, really.
  5. You think you’re the only one who feels lonely? lol try googling it!
  6. Hookups are stupid.
  7. Don’t do hookups.
  8. Rejection is a ditch.
  9. Boys be nice to girls, girls be nice to boys.
  10. (and most importantly) DON’T lose your virginity off of tinder!
  11. Just don’t!
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