By: Kayla Murphy
Right now, at this very moment, I am in love.
I am in love with my family, my school, my friends, and my boyfriend.
When I think of love, I reminisce on the experiences I have with love. Love has two sides, for it can be very exciting, new and happy, or very depressing and disappointing. I have experienced both the heaven and hell of love.
Love… I think of my parents, and their wedding, and when I found out I was going to have a baby brother. I look back on the seventeen years my parents have spent together, loving each other. But then I remember the divorce, the yelling, and the constant fighting.
I am not sitting in front of my computer typing away in order to write about daisies, dandelions, and running through a grass field, in complete love with everything.
Warning: This blog is very intense and goes into a deep description of a very important moment in my life that not only has shaped me into the person I am today, but also taught me that I am not alone. Keep reading at your own risk.
My parents married each other at a young age, and had me at an even younger age. For seventeen years, they were “happy” together, or so I thought. They had me fooled. As a sophomore in high school, “it” finally happened. In other words, the divorce was final. I kept thinking it was just a rough patch in their marriage, but it still hasn’t been patched up…
My mom was all about new beginnings, and I thought this would be a better lifestyle. She was left with nothing. When I say nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING. I remember moving into our new three-bedroom condo with no furniture, no decorations on the walls, and no plates or cups filling the cabinets. If you stepped one foot into that condo right now, you would have never guessed that she started with nothing. She has come so far… and yet she was so close to not being where she is today.
The night before March 2, 2013, I had an amazing day with my mom and brother. I was definitely surprised when they decided to decorate my entire car, bedroom, and even the entire house!!! That night, I went to my dad’s house to celebrate my birthday with him and my grandparents from my dad’s side of the family.
March 2, 2013
One day after my seventeenth birthday.
I wake up to a tradition my family has always had with every birthday celebration. Donuts with candles and decorations all over the house. MY FAVORITE!! However, I also woke up to some strange texts that morning, but decided to ignore them…because, hello, it was my birthday! The texts were from my mom. By not paying attention to those texts, it had only made the situation worse.
A few hours after I woke up, I had received a Facebook notification saying I had been tagged in a post along with my brother. My only thought was that this could not be any good. I looked at the post my brother and I were tagged it, and my jaw had completely dropped. My mom was saying her “good byes” in the worst possible way- through a Facebook post. I didn’t act on this post though because I knew it would only make matters worse. So, I ignored the post, and decided not to tell my dad or grandparents because I didn’t want any family drama. I thought at the age of seventeen, I had earned my fair share of drama. I thought wrong. Well, I was thinking, things could not get possibly worse. Well you know when you say that, things only get worse!
Call after call after call. I have never gotten so many calls in one day from friends and family. I still have a few voicemails regarding my mother from that day and the post she had shared with Facebook. The only reason I keep them is to remind myself that people are there no matter what. I have yet to show my mom these voicemails from two years ago… It got so bad that I had to turn off my phone because I just couldn’t handle it.
Fast forwarding through the day, we were about to leave to go eat at Red Robin (another tradition I have for my birthday) and I thought it would be safe to turn my phone back on. Strike three! My mom had said she was leaving my world and I would not have to worry about her anymore. Keep in mind; this is all through text messaging. I finally gave in, and told my dad about what was happening. He grabbed my house key to my mother’s place, and left with my grandpa before I could say goodbye.
Instead of the Red Robin employees singing happy birthday to me, I got news that my mom had been admitted to the hospital. She had to get her stomach pumped.
After I found out that my mom was in the hospital, I decided to go over to her house to get a few things for my brother and I so we could stay with my dad until she was back on her feet and stable. I still remember to this day, pushing open the door and getting that uncomfortable feeling that I did not belong there. I took a look around where the scene had occurred. It all happened in the downstairs bathroom; the tub was still full, along with crushed up pills and a knife.
My mom was in the hospital for four days and three nights. I didn’t visit her once. Her view on the entire situation was that she had done nothing wrong and it was my entire fault for not caring as much as I should have. My view: Suicide, or even attempted suicide, is selfish and only calls for unnecessary attention.
Looking back on this moment in my life, I realized that my thoughts and actions were selfish, and I should have been there for my mom in her time of need. Any one who is in this kind of situation should know that someone is there for them. Most of the time, there is more than one person to turn to for advice and comfort. Robin Williams sums up my views on suicide in about 9 seconds. Talking to someone is the easiest solution to any problem. From my experience and from all of those calls I received about my mother’s health, I know so many people are there for her, and I wish she knew that.
I think that if people know they are not alone, they will be more comfortable with themselves and more willing to share their feelings instead of bottling them up and hiding them. I do understand that it is hard to cope with certain emotions, but talking can make everything so much better. Plus, talking to people about your problems can help you realize that other people may be going through the same situation you are. My mom has been dealing with depression for a very long time, and after the attempted suicide, she was assigned a therapist that helped her reach out to others who could relate to her situation as well as her feelings.
This tragic occurrence at the age of seventeen has only made me a stronger person. It has built me into a young woman who views people’s lives a little differently. I am sure most people would look at me and never guess that I have divorced parents and a mother who is dealing with depression and attempted suicide under her belt. I see life as a privilege; however, I am not saying that one must earn their life. I am saying live your life to your fullest potential and be thankful for your life no matter what the circumstances are. From March 2, 2013, I have viewed my relationships differently based on my parent’s divorce and the way it affected my mom. By differently I mean:
- I don’t open up to just anyone.
- I don’t show any emotion.
- I have trust issues.
- Commitment is scary because I can’t predict the outcome.
- I don’t want to be in the same shoes my mother was in.
It is hard comparing my love life to my nineteen years of experience with love. It has been one of the craziest roller coasters, which is why I believe love is such an important concept for me to understand. Love has so much meaning to it. I knew I had come across my first love a few weeks ago. I have been in many relationships, but nothing like this one. Right now, I am definitely experiencing the heaven of love. I am cautious of this love that I have for this wonderful guy in my life, but I do compare it to my parent’s relationship. Comparison between my relationships and my parent’s relationships will always be with me because of the divorce and my mother’s attempted suicide.
Whether you or someone you know has attempted suicide or even has suicidal thoughts, this blog is to let you know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, most of us have to learn that the hard way, but in the end, it can only make you a stronger person. All of the events in your life can only add more character to your true self. I have been there before, and I hope after reading this blog, if you can’t think of one person who you can relate to about divorce, attempted suicide, or first loves; now you do, because that person is me.