I don’t have a favorite genre of music. I am the lucky person in that I can listen to “shitty” music: Mozart, the Beatles, Coldplay, Led Zeppelin, etc.; as well as “sophisticated” music: Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, and Yeezus (commonly known as Kanye West by those mere mortal men). Because I can listen to a wide variety of music, I have the afforded luxury of not having to deal with shitty people telling me that I listen to “shitty music”. You know the kind of people I’m talking about, the kind that say, “oh you listen to country? I bet you like fucking your momma in your big ole’ tractor truck huh?” or, “oh you listen to heavy metal? I bet you like brooding in your darkness with your as-dark-of-a-heart-as-Satan’s soul you degenerate fuck.” Pleasant really. Feels like seeing a lovely double rainbow go across the sky.
This brings me to what I’m going to be blogging about, fashion and clothes. My expertise on fashion is akin to anti-vaccine parents and vaccines, we simply have impeccable knowledge on these subjects. However I believe the US is encountering a crisis, much worse than ISIS, more infectious than Ebola, and ultimately more damaging than an anti-Obama letter to Iran’s Ayatollah. If you answered “what is fashion?” then you’ve won a million bucks, because you’re one of the few intellectuals who understand the problem. Our sense of fashion is seriously out of this world stupid and it’s what will bring down the United States of America. Not emaciated soldiers from North Korea shooting outdated weapons at us, or Iran flooding our streets with death threats, no bad sense in fashion is what will kill us and bring us down. So I have a proposal that will ultimately save us from certain doom: “The D.I.M.E. is always right.” Over the course of this blog I will explain the proposals key components, what it means, and why it’s important.
First let’s understand why fashion is going to destroy the United States of America. We are known as a free, peaceful, intelligent, loving, and democratic country. The best of the best. Number one in every single, fucking, thing. No one beats us in hot dog eating contests, no one. However, I’ve noticed our sense of fashion is becoming poisoned with the acceptances of atrocities. Such atrocities include the burka, cargo shorts, and tattoo’s. Don’t Muslim women understand that they don’t have to wear the burka? They’re not being forced to wear it anymore so why the hell are they still wearing it? Cargo Shorts. Oh my god people, is this middle school? And tattoo’s, why do people think that “their body is a canvas”, no you are not a canvas you are a fucking evolved living thing so act like one. The world sees us allow such atrocities and laugh at us for them.
We as a society need to fix this issue, we need to be more classy and fashionable. One example is the top knot. This hairstyle makes any man look absolutely great. Whenever I see a guy pull it off well, I walk up and tell them congrats and that they must make their mothers proud with their lifestyle choices. Crocs is another example of good fashion. Some advocates of the footwear include Jack Nicholson and P Diddy. Like wow, I don’t know why more people aren’t wearing Crocs especially when those wonderfully sound men are wearing them. If we had more people wear sensible fashion, no one would dare fuck with us, we would once again become the greatest nation on Earth (not that we aren’t already).
Now, that we understand the threat, now it’s time to understand the proposal. The D.I.M.E. is always right. What does that mean? First let me decode the term D.I.M.E.:
Ex? Yes, your Ex. You might be wondering why the hell you would ever want to talk to your Ex again and I would love to explain. It’s very simple actually: your ex knows mountainous amounts of information more about you than you do. Shocker right? Except not really, your ex knows exactly what you want to wear without you even realizing it. Want to wear that tank top to the gym? No wear the most baggy shirt you own, because it’ll absorb more sweat and you’ll look hot as hell (especially since you will feel hot as hell). Want to wear that brand new Manchester United jersey you just bought to show your support? No your ex won’t stand for it since it’s one too many times you’ve worn that jersey. Don’t argue with them about wearing the jersey for your first time, because they will perceive that as extremely immature and no one wants to look like a baby crying, especially in front of your D.I.M.E. Remember the phrase: “The D.I.M.E. is always right.” So yes go and hang up your jersey and tank top up and just wear damn the Nickelback shirt that your ex suggest you wears, she knows that you’re just going to get tons of compliments with that shirt.
In order for the proposal to work you have to contact your ex, otherwise you will be stuck in fashion hell with Marilyn Manson. Trust me, it sucks. So here’s a step by step guide of how to contact your ex with two different routes to take:
Step 1: Tell yourself you’re not going to be a pussy about this.
Step 2: Unblock your ex on social media
Step 3: Message them “Hi”
Step 4: Ask them “What do you think I should wear on a daily basis?”
Step 5: If there’s a response, respond accordingly with a “Thank you for your time and advice, if no advice was given head to Step 6.
Step 6: Ask again repeatedly every other hour until they respond or until they get a restraining order on you.
Step 1: Tell yourself to accept the harshness of this situation.
Step 2: Ask them when it’s OK to come visit.
Step 3: Buy plane tickets
Step 4: Catch your flight
Step 4.5: Complain in your head about lack of leg space
Step 5: Land
Step 6: Get a Cab
Step 7: Get to your destination safely
Step 8: See your ex
Step 9: Wait
Step 10: Accept first of many comments on your choice of clothes
Step 10.5: Possible step where you see your ex kiss some random guy at some random party you went with her in hopes of getting some side action with her.
Step 11: Finish the trip in a depressed but accepting mood
Step 12: Change your wardrobe
Step 13: Listen to Sam Smith the rest of the week and regret everything.
I personally went with the easier Route which was Route 2. Completely harmless and completely worth it. I have now fixed my wardrobe where instead of wearing soccer jersey’s all of the time, I actually wear “normal people” clothes. If there’s anything I’ve noticed is that I’ve turned into a clone of everyone else and haven’t felt happy about it. The D.I.M.E. was not right.
I really did go to Chicago to see my ex and other good friends and in all honesty, I had a good time but an absolutely shitty time as well. Not only did I hear a barrage of insults and complaints on the choice of clothes I brought with me, but they also happened to be aimed at what my life revolves around: Soccer.
To add insult to injury my ex suggested I come to Chicago during Valentines weekend and I saw her hook up with some random guy at a Valentines party. Also let’s not forget I had to sit through Fifty Shades of Grey, the worst fucking movie in existence. Dammit if I wanted to get horny from shitty films I would just go to PornHub, at least the acting’s better in Porn. I haven’t talked to her since and I’m not planning on to either for a very long time. I essentially spent at least $500 dollars in total to just hear her complain about my choices in life (clothes, choice of college, visiting Chicago, etc.) and then see her hook up; and the worst thing is I can’t gain that time or money back.
This brings me to my actual worry. People care and spend way too much about what they’re wearing, how they look, and whether they’re following the mainstream trends. In the end it’s not going to matter a single bit when you’re married and have kids and have a close group of best friends you keep in contact with 20 years down the road. The people you should surround yourself with should be accepting of who you are and care about you as a person and not as a mannequin like my ex did. I don’t care how you look, what you wear, etc., because who you are as a person is going to really determine whether I think you’re tolerable, a dick, or a kind person. So my actual proposal is this:
- Don’t fret or worry about what you wear or how you look as long as you feel comfortable in what you’re in/wearing.
- People or “friends” who care more about how you look rather than who you are as a human being simply have no right to tell what you should or shouldn’t wear.
- Surround yourself with people who accept and love you for who you are as a human.
Since Chicago I have learned to simply not give a single fuck about what I wear. If people judge me for the way I look, then they’re simply not worth my time or the effort. Learn to love what you wear and say “fuck off” to the haters and you will be that much happier, trust me, feeling happy and stress free feels good. Much better than knowing top knots are a thing now, god that hairstyle seriously sucks ass.